Alp d’Viewpoint – 2010
‘An rud is annamh is iontach’
‘What’s rare is beautiful’
Bhi an ghrian ag taitneamh, agus ni raibh scamall sa speir.
Monday, 26th August, D-day. After months of preparation on the most demanding ascents Dublin has to offer, L’equippe du Pulse made their way to Dublin Airport, bike boxes in tow. After a quick one, two, it was Allez, Allez, Allez as we boarded the flight. Destination. Lyon, France. The atmosphere in the airport was electric and the air, crisp with anticipation. It’s safe to say, not one of us could have predicted the week that lay ahead. So put your feet up, get yourself a pain au chocolat and a grande cafe latte (a bikkie and a mug of scald), cool your jets and read on.
Day 1 – Nous sommes arrives
Touch-down. Lyon, France. The flight passed without incident although some of l’equippe du Pulse spent the journey researching magazines of a controversial nature. It was here that I was dazzled by the level of maturity displayed by my fellow Pulsers, heightening my respect for this brave crew. A two hour bus journey lay ahead and this set the tone for what was to be a ‘sauvage’ week. Half asleep, a Pulser, code name DINGO, turned and asked if I’d ever done a number two in the sand…I thought I was being asked if I’d ever done it in the saddle…Needless to say I wasn’t long about waking up…apparently it’s the done thing on Fraser Island down under, eh DINGO ;)…
Go tobann, the bus went a deathly quiet. We were approaching the foot of Alp d’huez. 21 hairpins and roughly 1900 metres of a climb lay ahead. The chat went from 60-0 in seconds…Apparently, after four or five little turns it levelled out. The bus struggled up the 15 kilometre ascent and the seeds of doubt were planted firmly in the mind. The prospect of lightening the load of the bus by tossing bike boxes off the alp was very appealing.
After check in and the sorting out of rooms, it was time to go for dinner. It advisable to take a packed lunch with you as the French tend to serve the food while moon walking. Having been turned away by two restaurants, we were finally given a table overlooking the alp. While the food and drink was being served, it was hard to believe our location. Sergeant Kane had organised everything to perfection. Whilst being served, another Pulser dropped the bombshell that she was the target of a high profiled athlete on face tube. This sparked all sorts of controversy. ‘She wasn’t born, she was quarried out’ was one such comment. The food was taking that long that DINGO began to fade. Stomachs were touching backs with the hunger and just as the food arrived; it began to open the heavens. Liamie and meself stood tall and……sorted ourselves out by acquiring a table pour deux. Aidan ‘Monster’ Quigley stood up and battled with the owner as they tried to pull a single bed sheet over a king sized frame. Just like college. Once the cover was sorted, the craic continued.
Day 2 – Alp d’bleedin huez
Having pulled the short straw, two Pulsers (codename Jedward) in 644 were unfortunate to have been allotted the sofa beds. If that wasn’t bad enough, the ‘bedroom’ resembled the M50 on a Monday as the volume of traffic was inconsiderate and relentless.
Having pulled two of the bike boxes through the airport, being the gentleman, I was feeling a little sore. I soon found out the reason for this. Some of the lady Pulsers decided to cram the bike boxes with shoes, ghd’s, training gear etc… it was no wonder I could tie me shoes without bending down…Whilst my good nature was taken advantage of, others must have been shattered as they tore up airports single-handedly, using the chain ring as a consaw… With the bikes expertly assembled, and no parts falling off on the descent, cleanest bike went to…no folks; Benson was left in the shade as Doogan used her teacher holiers to full effect. She plans to share her skills at the next national Pulse gathering.
Registration was the first port of call and after a nervous wait, it was Allez allez allez…The group hurtled to the foot of the alp with Deccie and Aidan descending for a second time. Awesome stuff. It took just under an hour and a quarter to make the ascent. Hairs stood on end (even mine) as we rounded each bend. Paintings on the road, and signage spurred us on to the summit. Allez allez allez!!! We had officially manned up!!! Bring on the race. We returned to the gaf, and got togged out for a run. Professional or what!!! Whilst out for a run, a couple of ladies decided to go for a drink, with both keys. So, having conquered the alp, and ran 3k at altitude, we were smelling lovely. We piled into the lift only to find the door locked. Having walked for what seemed like an age, we met a concerned Pulser who asked us, not once, not twice but an impressive three times if we were locked out. I would have assumed that it was obvious, seeing as we were our sweaty kit and could have collectively been registered as a chemical weapon. Benson, the poor creator was close to tears and he began hallucinating. We finally gained entry and freshened up. This day was all about taking the sting out of the Alps tail, and confidence was high. Dinner was a very interesting experience.
As the Pulse possy piled into a quaint French restaurant, the customers piled out. Some decided to brave what was to become a rollercoaster of a night. Already there was a divide in the camp. The 15 strong group was divided into houses. This set the tone. Although, one Pulser (Judas) got a little bit confussed. Fraternising with the enemy, Judas upset 644 a little. Before the starter arrived, Judas had denied any knowledge of 644 three times. An element of competition was introduced by Deccie ‘Machine’ Byrne for the day of the race, 644 vs 744. Judas sold us out ;)…Dingo was in full flow and was soon to be joined by BINGO. Apologies for the codenames, all I can say is, Alp d’huez 2011??? BINGO, BINGO, BINGO and……Then his name was BINGO!!! Judas was to later become known as ‘The Littlest Hobo’, you know, maybe tomorrow I’ll want to settle down, until tomorrow etc… It was at this point that BINGO decided to share food, across the table…Nice!!! The meal lasted four hours, but at all times the craic was ninety. Seanchai McFadden did his usual party piece, with Mcgirr adding a few old wives tales. Northies!! But if you want a story, ask DINGO about Liverpool. Me lasting memory,
Q. Where did you go for Valentine’s?
A. Well, it wasn’t bleedin Paris anyway!!! Legend!!!
Day 3 – Taper Taper Taper – Pasta Pasta Pasta
It was decided that the eve of the race was going to be all about nutrition and r&r. Once again, Jedward was awoken by the traffic running through the sitting room/bedroom/dining room/place to put your sweaty backside after three hours of exercise etc…Considerate Pulsers…With the toothpaste applied (Factor 50); three pasty paddies made their way to the Piscine…Prescriptions for sun blindness were being handed out like smarties as we the Irish graced the pool. After a few lengths, it was time for a cafe and off to see the competitors of the long course come in. Deccie and Aidan had decided to complete the cycle part of the course, 110k over the toughest cols France has to offer. Legends!! Whilst walking the run course in preparation for the day ahead, we encountered competitors going through the pain barrier and beyond!!! Agony was visible on the faces at every turn, as the snap happy Mcgirr worked his artistic genius…
The houses split for dinner as the energy lost over the previous nights exploits would have hampered race day performance… Nerves were beginning to surface. Following a belly busting serving of pasta, it was time for the cot…Some of the top athletes slept with the lights on, as some had an issue with darkness and homesickness!!! Apparently ;)…
Day 4 – Race Jour!!! Allez allez allez
Room 644 resembled Paddy carpenters in Carlow, a local funeral home!!! Ya could have cut the tension with a knife. Some just used theirs to cut the bread. The weather had taken a turn and favoured the paddies. Rain bucketed down and the temperatures had dropped. Following brekkie, l’equippe du Pulse made their way to T2, in the village. Having deposited runners and water, it was back to the gaf to make a few more necessary deposits. Once all bad lodgers were expelled, it was a 21k cycle to the lake, the starting point. Never before have I witnessed such spectacular sights as we hurtled towards the race start. Quite simply, France is spectacular!!!
It wasn’t long before we entered the water. 1200 competitors, one wave!!! EDF, the French ESB saved a fortune as competitors powered France for a week!! The swim, 1.2k through the lake, was a tough experience!! After what seemed like an age it was onto the bike for a gruelling 30k, 15 of which was the ascent up Alp d’huez. The atmosphere and support experienced on the bike are two of the reasons why this race should become an international Kilkee for Pulse triathlon Club. Allez allez allez was the shouts from a crowd that lined the streets and the ascent for a full thirty kilometres. This was more adrenalin than any gel could provide. As we ascended, water bottles were handed out and in typical Tour de France fashion, water bottles were discarded. At turn 17, an Irish competitor grabbed my arm and gasped, ‘Where in Ireland (wheeze) do you prepare for this??’ My reply, Alp d’Viewpoint as I left him in my wake!! Man up!! This race was all about the preparation, and we got it spot on. It took me the best part of 16k to catch Yvonne ‘schlek’ O’Leary as she dismantled the alp. Devastating!! As we sped through the villages at an impressive 8-10km/ph, a 7 k run lay in wait. This would have been a tough run on its own but it was pure adrenalin spurring on the Pulsers at this stage…Arriving into T2, crowds lined the streets shouting words of encouragement. I was sure I saw Mcgirr doing the run with his phrase book out…;) At this juncture it is with great pride that I can say…all Pulsers crossed the finishing line in ‘sauvage’ fashion. With one relay team, and 12 individual entries, all conquered Alp d’huez and have the fluorescent green t-shirts to prove it…LEGENDS!!!!!!
Ah, la Nuit…Va va voom!!! Ou est le Beer skooter???
As a meal in France took a lifetime, it was decided that Pizza would be the order of the day…with the shops closed it was up to Mikey the Pikey to beg/steal/borrow alcohol from the local French shops…Easy Money!!! After a punishing triathlon, all an athlete needs is not one, but two slices of the finest pizza France has to offer, one of which tasted like a mouth full of seaweed. Dressed to impress, and bellies loaded, l’equippe du pulse made their way to PARTY…The bull rouje flowed like it was going out of fashion, and both national and international relations were developed on the night!! McFadden was lucky to keep his license as the beer skooter stalled under the bridge on the way home…In fairness, this was after he had covered every blade of grass on the side of the Alp with the lawnmower…Hi!!! The crew held it together on the night despite the food gauge reading empty…The Pulse train had well and truly arrived at the station!!!
Day 5 – Alp d’Huey Lewis and the News
O’eary gets the award for services above and beyond the call of duty as some Pulsers opened up the channels of communication with huey via the porcelain telephone. Suggestions as to the days activities were met with negative vibes, par example, ‘I would rather iron mon sac!!’ L’equippe du Pulse died a thousand deaths and more post race and it was worth it…We’d earned it…and were paying dearly for it…Deccie and Quiggs managed to cover an impressive 4k on the rothar before Brin, an Aussie missile, launched himself at a passing motorcycle (some say it was a Harley, others a Chopper…we know it was a skooter…;) )…whilst Deccie and co. Spent the day in the company of the Gendarmarie, the rest got burnt drinking MOJITO’S…After forty winks, Jedward made their way to L’Etalion, a bar owned by a psychotic ex teacher…The beer went down like bleach, and after one or seven, pizza’s were purchased…Game over ball bursht!!! Into the car lads, the game was to be put back to day 6…Not before McFadden spent 15 mins detaining the events of the day…only to be asked, ‘Was there an accident??’…I inhaled me bottle and made like a banana…Enough excitement for one day…Jaysus, he had an awful long face on him hi!!! Who I hear you ask?? (Black Beauty 😉 The final trek up the alp lay in wait.
Day 6 – La Jour derniere – Je suis desolee
Apologies for the long windedness of the report but words don’t do this trip justice…the final day was epic…descents at 70-80 kmph, a breakaway peloton travelling at 40-42 kmph through French villages and the finest French cuisine served by delicious French ladies…Like I said…epic!!! Having spent the day on the bike, it was home time…and time for one last meal. The wine flowed, and McFadden was on the tinternet, getting texts from RTE re: O’Rourke’s silver medal…This was predicted by some 😉 Some of the requests for dinner were granted by an eccentric waiter… The girls grilled what looked like grapes on a hot stone…and others had soup for dessert…Are yis locked out??
There was time for possibly the nicest gesture of the week…a wee awards ceremony prepared by Deccie and DINGO…to praise the spider efforts of L’equippe du Pulse…I have to admit, I shed a tear…Very touching.
The rest of the night is a blur…a mash of fluorescent paint and bull rouje, flaming sambuca and rose…Cars were stolen, beer skooters parked up, restaurant furniture ending up in apartments, stables in kitchens and salt and vinegar crisps everywhere…Professional Triathletes at their finest, every muscle working…!!! Sunday Bloody Sunday!!!
Day 7 – Nous sommes retourne
The final stage of this epic voyage, you’ll be glad to hear…As we prepped our gear, the onset of sadness was delayed due to severe levels of intoxication. Our taxi business lay in tatters as cars went missing, but Mcgirr,McFaden & Lyons have a hummer on order and are available for weddings, confo’s etc…Waiting on Mcgirr to iron the creases out of his bag, we made our way for the last time, down alp d’huez…DINGO you were right, it did level out…
To the pulsers and honorary pulsers who made this life changing trip, to sergeant Kane who made it all possible, to the house mates at both 644 and 744…and to Judas, who made good having covered a mini pilgrimage of 130k by foot…I salute you, and your efforts…I am proud to be a Pulser…and pledge me future to the club…
Don an bhliain seo chugainn, Alp d’huez 2011,
‘Fear suas, agus Te Te Te’!!!
Glossary of Terms
She was quarried out – She’s a fine lump of a girl
I’d rather iron mon sac – No thank you, I’m a little hungover, maybe later…but thanks for asking!!
Stables in Kitchens and salt and vinegar crisps – There’s a lil bit of traveller in us all…;)
Soup for dessert – Cold vanilla ice cream with hot sauce
Grapes on hot stones – Raw meat cooked at table
Beer Skooter & Taxi Firm – Quite simply, Va va voom!
Ball Bursht!! Game Over – Tttttthhats all folks!!!
Allez Allez Allez l’equippe du pulse!!
Written by: Johnny Lyons